For one thing, being at work with the people I am "deserting", having them moan about how I will be missed and in many other various ways making me feel guilty, was not easy. I am trying to balance being firm....yes, I really am retiring....and understanding.....yes, I realize there is no one to replace me just yet. I felt like a yo-yo going between these two realities. It was exhausting.
Most of the staff are very understanding, supportive and wish me well. They are eager to help me get the program operations in top-notch form before the transition. But we also have to do our daily work and keep moving ahead. This too, is a balance. I really want to leave the team in the best shape possible, to document all our processes, to have upper management clear about how I do things and how I think they should continue to be done. All this, I fear, is partly my process to compensate for the guilt, the feeling that I really am deserting my staff, and a reflection of the level of ownership I have for the program. I have spent the last 7 years of my life committed to bringing this team into being and supporting them to become really effective and responsive to the people they support. I have given up vacation time, personal time and poured the best of me into getting this done. And with the help of many people, I got it done! I think that is why I have such a feeling of ownership and such a fear of having it destroyed.
Three days in Vancouver...then home for a few days before I head back again. Instead of rain, there was a beautiful clear sky full of stars to greet me on my drive home from the airport. When I walked in the door I could hear the crackle of the logs on the fire. I sighed and relaxed. I was home. This is what life is really all about. I just need to remember that.
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